I'm feeling lazy. Not really lazy, but sort of depressed. During most of the day, I could feel it slowly seep over me, sort of like that of quicksand you see on television. Not really sure how slow quicksand takes to suck you in. But that is how I have felt today. My eldest daughter asked me earlier what was wrong. I replied "I'm just tired." And I am.
Here is my list:
* waking at 4am, bed between 9 and 10pm, six days a week to go to work
* fixing dinner every night, lunch on weekends, lunch for school. Can nobody tell me what they want
instead of me having to come up with another idea to eat? And don't get me started on the "I don't like
that." Fine, fix yourself some Ramon Noodles then. That wasn't hateful, was it?
* raising my voice to kids who are too loud and won't listen. I get tired of saying, "Not so loud, your dad is
asleep."
* trying to find an agent
* being rejected by above agent
* training for my new job that is mine when I'm trained
* worrying:
money
not spending quality time with family
other stuff
* not getting my house in tip top shape because I'm too busy writing or searching for an agent, or other stuff
* my job. Fact is, my hours were reduced from a 36 hour work week to a 30 hour work week so they could bring in someone cheaper to do the extra. Legal?
My union made it possible without explaining the consequences in our contract. I sometimes wonder if
somebody got a big payout.
* not being a good friend. I would make a great hermit. This is not very nice for friends who love
and have only the best wishes for me. Or the ones who may need me.
There are so many things to be tired about. The one that tops my list though, is that I am not being the good Christian I am supposed to be. With all these tired complaints, it leaves a huge gap for ill feelings to wander into my attitude. And when that happens, how in the world are people expected to see that my love for God is so great.
I knew I needed him today. I spent a lot of time on the computer searching Christian videos. I found one I really like. You can see it on my last page of this blog. Just scroll up and it can't be missed.
There is never a night that I don't go to bed without praying to Him. There have been many nights, I am so tired, that by the time I go to my bed, I fall asleep before my prayer is done. I believe He understands. At least I hope so. I often ask He remembers that I am human. And as human, as much as I try, I am not perfect, though I wish I was. It would save me from the grief of knowing I let Him down. I am glad He gave us a way to fix that. A simple I am sorry and forgive me. Sometimes it seems too simple. How can He forgive me?
I tend to dredge up old sins. I try and reason out why a certain path was taken when I know it was wrong. There are good things that came out of that path. But I look around and wonder, what if I had been a good girl. Some would say this is the devil trying to pull me down. Seriously, like I need help. I hate to give him so much credit.
You can tell by my rambling that my depressed state has settled over me. I hope you all recognize a little of me in you. Not that I want you to be miserable with me, but to know that we are all alike in some way. So when you look at the person next to you, realize there are days we all reach the bottom and think we can't do it anymore. Somehow we do though. It is amazing that we dig deep into ourselves and force that last bit of effort into action. It must be a self save mechanism God planted in us. How else could we do it.
Thanks for "listening". Tomorrow will be better.
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